1. Decide to quit.
2. Tell others you want to quit.
3. Do not go out of your way to buy packs of gum.
4. If others have generously bought you packs of gum, tell them kindly that you no longer are eating gum anymore and have them hide the packs from you.
5. Remind them that you know where their last hiding place was, so don’t put it in the top kitchen cabinet on the right, next to the laundry room. Because you WILL FIND IT.
6. Begin to eat real food instead of chemicals with equal parts unpronounceable and unswallowable qualities. You know, those ingredients the Internet can neither confirm nor deny are harmful for your body.
7. When your cravings for gum gain strength, try biting your tongue. Or drink more water. Or brush your teeth to prevent a dirty mouth.
8. It probably means you are hungry. Try to listen to your body when it talks to you.
9. Save up to $40 a month because Orbit is no longer chewing you out of house and home. Watch as the supply and demand you have struggled to keep up with in the past crumples like the wadded up wrappers you used to pyramid on your desk.
10. Spend a few minutes every day considering why you quit. Convince yourself you feel better now that you aren’t chewing a piece of gum for five seconds before spitting it out, only to unwrap a new piece and stick it on your tongue. But really two, because you always liked having two pieces in your mouth at once.
11. Wake up one night from a dream involving the double dutch melody, Bubble Gum, Bubble Gum, and an empty crystal dish. Wonder why you are covered in cold sweats like a turkey carcass thawing.
12. Remember you are one in a community of many former chain chewers, whose metronome jaws nod along with yours in perfect synchronicity. Yes. We. Know. How. You. Feel. You. Dirty. Dirty. Chewer. You!
13. But do they know how you feel? How tired your jaws are of chewing on air?
14. Whatever you do, do NOT answer the riddle. How snarky. How mocking. How many pieces do you wish? You’d run out of numbers. Do not let yourself get distracted. Better yet, Bubble Gum: do not even ask me the question.

*Why did I write this, and why am I sharing this with you? Chewing gum has been a sort of crutch for me in the past, in times of stress, or when I was very sick and found tiny ways to avoid eating real food and real calories. Currently, in my three-week module class at VCFA, we are talking all about vulnerability; asking questions about why vulnerability is scary, but necessary; what’s the difference between personal & professional vulnerability (and how that line is often blurred in writing); how do you know when to share vulnerable details and when not to, etc. I suppose we are all vulnerable as human beings to becoming addicted to such-and-such thing. Science backs it up that it takes about 66 days to form a habit, whether “good” or “bad,” if you choose to assign such labels. I’m proud of my work to quit chewing gum, and though it may or may not sound difficult to you, it definitely was not easy for me, and it’s so freeing to say that. To be honest. To work hard to overcome an act that was controlling me. Whatever your “gum” is, I believe you can free yourself of it, too.